There I am feeling so guilty for missing my spinning class because I would prefer lying spread eagle on the couch watching DSTV with a huge bowl of popcorn. That’s exactly what I am doing right now. A bowl so big it could satisfy a whole starving community on a cold winters night. So big, you would think it was a bargain ‘made in china.’ And then, with my mouth filled to the brim like a 2011 average night club, it struck me. Why are men allowed to do this so often, beers and chips in hand – and feel proud, happy, and content? And there I am, feeling guilty?
I guess there are so many questions we could ask about things we just seem to accept in life. Why do we sit in stands? Why is it that you always want what you can’t have, and then when you get it, you don’t want it anymore? Why do we press so hard on the remote buttons, even though we know it’s the battery life? Why do we never hear 'your father ' jokes or why do we rarely see baby pigeons? Why on a superman outfit do they actually attach a label saying "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." And why, WHY, are men allowed to be fat in society, and woman cant?
I bought a book called ‘Skinny Bitch’ a few weeks back. Show me a woman who hasn't been on a diet and I'll beat her to death with a box of Pick 'n Pay assorted glazed doughnuts. As a woman who's determined of getting into immaculate shape with experience from Weighless to Shakira’s flat tummy diet, there was no way I wasn't going to read a book positioned as 'A no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!' Yes, I read the book that night and then... I became a Vegan. While braai’s and roast chicken dinner parties were getting thrown in my face – I eventually put up both my hands, and my huge bowl of popcorn, and surrendered. Hah, stuff the popcorn, I want that. But I gave up veggie sausages that tasted like Tiger Wheel and Tyre’s and Beef Patty’s that tasted like the smell of mouldy Tupperware containers. 2 weeks was enough. I guess my roommate wasn’t Vegan, so it was a perfect reasoning for dropping Vegan-life, as how were we meant to share meals on our student budget?
I enjoyed my chicken, my bacon & avo pizza’s, and my boerie again. When everyone is eating what you inevitably want, of course you won’t be able to resist it. Its Newtons 4th Law, or should be. Until, my roommate got hold of the book herself and I’m now left with a fridge full of soya milk and plants. Could you imagine a man walking to his fridge only to find lentils, lettuce, soya yoghurt and tomatos? Could you imagine a top seller book called “Skinny Bastard.” Could you imagine a guy standing next to another guy in a public area, only to feel self-conscious and fat, and the need to remove himself from the situation or go straight to gym. How often do we look men up and down like they a piece of meat? (Or rather, a Vegetarian Chicken Schnitzel?) How often do men count calories in their beers, plan detox diets or sit around a pub chatting about what they ate today. It just doesn’t happen.
Why is it that men can have a 'beer-boep' so large, it hangs over the handle and into the trolley at Pick n Pay. Hiding the case of beer, boerie and 6 packets of Lays chips. Him, thinking we can't see it in the size of his boep or in the trolley when he prances around looking like the oft-overlooked Homer Simpson doppelganger. When us woman have to not only deal with it, but then get criticized for still being fat. Baby, have you not looked in the mirror lately, or should we invest in a bigger mirror? Then again, why is it that you men can squeeze our love handles and without saying a word we planning our detox & gym sesh in our heads - But, if we wrapped our hands around your beer-bop, you wouldnt even take note and probably ask us to shift up because you can’t see the Rugby score. Or, shift down because... Well that’s a no brainer. While of course, you’ll sip on your beer while impatiently shoving a huge handful of Lays chips, screaming at the ref on TV.
Why is it that women seem to feel the need to believe that guys actually have complex "feelings because it’s evident that they don’t? Woman, If you see a guy sitting in his chair, looking pensive, it's not because he's thinking about his relationships, appearance or why he's in fault for something he didn’t even do; he's most likely trying to remember a sports fixture.
I guess we can’t include all males just yet, before 40years of age, a lot of the male sex take time in their day to sculpt their “guns” / biceps, to gain power and masculinity in the real world. If you ask me, they just take up space. And then they reach a time in their life where they can let their guns go and lie spread eagle on the couch (with a huge bowl of popcorn?) While, might I add, still holding the expectations of having a wife, three kids down, that could model for a skinny bitch billboard print advert.
Until then, some things will never be answered. I’ll hop off the couch now to cook up some ‘plants’, and while doing so – millions of men around the world are busy kicking up their feet, popping open a beer to rest on their boep, and patiently waiting for a home cooked meal from their skinny bitch wife.
KISS OUR BUTTS you hypocrites.
If only we could say that.
I guess there are so many questions we could ask about things we just seem to accept in life. Why do we sit in stands? Why is it that you always want what you can’t have, and then when you get it, you don’t want it anymore? Why do we press so hard on the remote buttons, even though we know it’s the battery life? Why do we never hear 'your father ' jokes or why do we rarely see baby pigeons? Why on a superman outfit do they actually attach a label saying "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." And why, WHY, are men allowed to be fat in society, and woman cant?
I bought a book called ‘Skinny Bitch’ a few weeks back. Show me a woman who hasn't been on a diet and I'll beat her to death with a box of Pick 'n Pay assorted glazed doughnuts. As a woman who's determined of getting into immaculate shape with experience from Weighless to Shakira’s flat tummy diet, there was no way I wasn't going to read a book positioned as 'A no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!' Yes, I read the book that night and then... I became a Vegan. While braai’s and roast chicken dinner parties were getting thrown in my face – I eventually put up both my hands, and my huge bowl of popcorn, and surrendered. Hah, stuff the popcorn, I want that. But I gave up veggie sausages that tasted like Tiger Wheel and Tyre’s and Beef Patty’s that tasted like the smell of mouldy Tupperware containers. 2 weeks was enough. I guess my roommate wasn’t Vegan, so it was a perfect reasoning for dropping Vegan-life, as how were we meant to share meals on our student budget?I enjoyed my chicken, my bacon & avo pizza’s, and my boerie again. When everyone is eating what you inevitably want, of course you won’t be able to resist it. Its Newtons 4th Law, or should be. Until, my roommate got hold of the book herself and I’m now left with a fridge full of soya milk and plants. Could you imagine a man walking to his fridge only to find lentils, lettuce, soya yoghurt and tomatos? Could you imagine a top seller book called “Skinny Bastard.” Could you imagine a guy standing next to another guy in a public area, only to feel self-conscious and fat, and the need to remove himself from the situation or go straight to gym. How often do we look men up and down like they a piece of meat? (Or rather, a Vegetarian Chicken Schnitzel?) How often do men count calories in their beers, plan detox diets or sit around a pub chatting about what they ate today. It just doesn’t happen.
Why is it that men can have a 'beer-boep' so large, it hangs over the handle and into the trolley at Pick n Pay. Hiding the case of beer, boerie and 6 packets of Lays chips. Him, thinking we can't see it in the size of his boep or in the trolley when he prances around looking like the oft-overlooked Homer Simpson doppelganger. When us woman have to not only deal with it, but then get criticized for still being fat. Baby, have you not looked in the mirror lately, or should we invest in a bigger mirror? Then again, why is it that you men can squeeze our love handles and without saying a word we planning our detox & gym sesh in our heads - But, if we wrapped our hands around your beer-bop, you wouldnt even take note and probably ask us to shift up because you can’t see the Rugby score. Or, shift down because... Well that’s a no brainer. While of course, you’ll sip on your beer while impatiently shoving a huge handful of Lays chips, screaming at the ref on TV.
Why is it that women seem to feel the need to believe that guys actually have complex "feelings because it’s evident that they don’t? Woman, If you see a guy sitting in his chair, looking pensive, it's not because he's thinking about his relationships, appearance or why he's in fault for something he didn’t even do; he's most likely trying to remember a sports fixture.
I guess we can’t include all males just yet, before 40years of age, a lot of the male sex take time in their day to sculpt their “guns” / biceps, to gain power and masculinity in the real world. If you ask me, they just take up space. And then they reach a time in their life where they can let their guns go and lie spread eagle on the couch (with a huge bowl of popcorn?) While, might I add, still holding the expectations of having a wife, three kids down, that could model for a skinny bitch billboard print advert.
Until then, some things will never be answered. I’ll hop off the couch now to cook up some ‘plants’, and while doing so – millions of men around the world are busy kicking up their feet, popping open a beer to rest on their boep, and patiently waiting for a home cooked meal from their skinny bitch wife.
KISS OUR BUTTS you hypocrites.
If only we could say that.
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