"Clup-him Gold." Yes, its where all the "main" boys hang out. - With their self tanned girls in their one hand, and Patrone on Ice in the other. It is inevitably a room filled with endless amounts of Rands, hair gel/spray, bling, mini dresses that cover minimal body surface area (If not at all) and horse-steriods.
Yes, we couldnt wait to go to Clapham Gold.
Okay, I make it sounds like a Boksburg nightlife spot. It is'nt. Infact, if you visited Jo'burg and wanted a taste of our real nightlife culture & fashion, Clapham Gold is it! The girls are beautifully groomed. The guys are... there? Either way, it's one night that you can slip into that little black number without feeling under dressed or overly slutish. A collar and your old matric dance shoes will do the job for the gents.
With 6 years of club-experience, despite finding late nights no more rebellious but rather a form of the-morning-after-self-pitty if during the week, I've officially concluded that upon entering a club... You always manage to bump into one of the ten people you dont ever want to bump into at a club. In the long run, It enhances the consuming of alcohol process and tends to make your night more memorable. However, we still wish that we didn't bump into them.
So here it goes.
#1: The friend of the bartender.
This guy saunters past the line, gives the bouncer a fist bump and makes a beeline to the bar to say a booming "Whats up my boy, Ive missed you!" He doesnt miss him. He wants a drink and there were other bars to go to, but he knows his deal here. He screams over the music, loud enough for everyone in the bar to know that he, is the bartenders best friend. He is important. He gets 10% off of draft beers & Tequila shots. Chicks dig it. If they with... The bartenders friend.
#2: The girl who thinks everyone is hitting on her.
Infact, there are more than one of these these days. One always catches your attention that night though. She walks like she's on a balancing beam, and flicks her hair like she's standing in the centre of a tornado. Or infront of a desk fan. “Excuse me”, you say. She looks you up and down, gives a disgusted look and claims, “I have a boyfriend!” Relax bitch, I just asked if you could move your bony ass out of the way because I have to take a pee and you’re blocking the bathroom door. She also tends to enjoy dancing on bar counters, standing on your toe in her professional bend and snap dance move, is a WHOOO girls and swings from pillars & poles, like she's a level 5 pole dancer.
#3: The guy who pretends to like you, to get to your friend.
You noticed him checking you out on the trip to the restroom. He smiles and looks you up and down. You finish off at the restroom and now he's ready to pounce into your space. You feeling hot and wanted right now. He approaches your table and asks you the three inevitable questions: 1. Where do you live? 2. What do you do?/ Where do you Study? And then he throws the third question into your face like a stale milk tart. 3. Is your friend single? You realize that he didn’t care that you used a bronzer on your cheek bones tonight, or that you live in a sweet little pad in town, which has fully kitted gym & pool. He pumped you for information to get closer to your hot friend. If we were interested then we'll never tell him she's single. “Let me save you some time: She thinks you’re a douche anyway. If you’re not buying a round, piss off.”
#4: The over weight girl with high self-esteem.
Sure she has huge knockers. But she weighs more than your whole family put together & could knock anyone out with her tripple E-cups. And to top it off, she has higher self esteem than #2. She tries to create a diversion from her body by wearing oversized necklaces, earrings and bracelets, with an outift that never hides her knockers - no matter how many little cardigans she has on. Shame. Bless her. She portrays to be the happiest girl in the club.
#5: The guy that bums your last smoke, and doesn't even inhale.
Im no smoker, so I dont feel the pain of all the smokers. But I could only imagine. He's not even cute - or he is cute but has a girlfriend and is just using his charm to - Bum that smoke off you! Any real smoker would know the etiquette to never to bum a smoker’s last cigarette. This can lead two ways. You finally realize, after doing your charity bit of giving away your last one - that he is actually just wanting to chat you up. He's not even a smoker. Or otherwise, he claims he is a smoker but its only because he's intoxicated and needs that smoke, like he needs a BigMac meal or a garage pie. He'll take it from you still and you cant say no cause it's the first guy thats actually spoken to you the whole night.
#6: That idiot who wears sunglasses on his head or face at the club.
Possibly the worst offender. You and your co-drunkerd hit the dancefloor after downing shots. It is then that you see him. I understand that disco & strobe lights are very much enhanced these days, to the extend that you just land up dancing with your eyes closed whilst screaming the words to the roof tops. But has global warming got that bad? His black hair looks wet, he has Versace sunglasses on, long gold chains resting on his exposed pubey chest. Oh God. He smiles thinking you checking him out. Take those glasses off you fool. Then, look in the mirror.
#7: That drunk person who loves requesting songs to the DJ.
You'll be dancing by him and he'll keep running off to the DJ box to request a song. Its either a "wedding reception" song, or a remix version that you heard from LimeWire. He will stand at the DJ box, BY THE SPEAKERS, and try scream the name of the song above the bass. The DJ will act like he heard. The DJ doesnt care because you dont have knockers. But he'll run back to everyone and pull a thumbs up, like its the next song on the list. It never comes. And he'll keep going back to request it.
#8: The Business card guy.
He got off work 2 hours ago, and is meeting his mates for a drink. (This always happens at Newscafe.) He is still in his suit. He looks important and despite what his face even looks like- he clearly thinks he's hot enough to check you out. Scrolling on his Blackberry, he strikes up a friendly conversationwith you. He'll always offer you a drink because he has endless amounts of money. You stand up tall and tell yourself you sober enough for this conversation. Or you just laugh friendly at everything he says because you not sober enough. You always manage to make a general remark about the dwindling economy though, or what you've learnt from your degree thus far, You then return to your rousing game of interactive bar trivia. “Give me a call if you’re ever keen to work for me, Im looking for someone like you.” You say thank you and slip it in your handbag. You still have it in your purse, and you dont know where it came from.
#9: The Divorcee, or that old man at the bar.
He's 52 and his wife of 22 just divorced him. Probably for his son. You would think that he wants a girl to take home in his 5-series BMW, but actually he just wants to talk. He wants to give you advice about what not to do in your life- and what to do. Who goes to clubs to sit at a bar and chat about life? And why take advice from an old man in a night club? He always manages to capture the broken "birds" however, and after buying her a cocktail he manages to get his chat - as she then only realizes that you cant down a strawberry daq and you cant take it to the bathroom either. So she lands up getting pissed on his tab, and talking about life. Thats when you should know, shots are the way to go!
#10: Your boss, parents friends or aunty & uncle.
You called in sick to work today and now you standing in a nightclub with a drink in either hand screaming "POKERRR FACCEE!" Your boss and other high up business people roll in for a drink unplanned after a meeting they had next door. You explain that you just here for a friends birthday, and you wish you were home in bed recovering from todays stomach bug. You land up downing 4 more tequila's after seeing your boss, not making any matters better. And then there are your parents friends, or your aunty & uncle. They just here for the World Cup after party, and you try hold a conversation with them on top of the loud music and friends you want to greet but cant walk by. You wake up the next morning either wondering what you said, regreting what you said or sure that it will get back to your parents. Either way, you tell your parents that you saw their friends out completely smashed.
And then of course, you see your ex - or you dont see your ex but you see his girlfriend/boyfriend or his/her sister. You see an ex teacher of yours, your tutor or that guy that ask's you for a drink at the bar more than 11 times.
Either way, you bound to bump in to one. If not all of them.
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