THE SHREK COUCH

I guess I can’t claim the idea behind this post, and have to give credit to my sister who has inspired me to look further into a furniture piece than the standard individual would. I don’t blame you if you feel somewhat “green with envy” after reading this either, this couch is one of a kind and being in a student diggs – has seen more than the average parent. And it’s only March!

To my younger sister, this is for you.

Like most students, our budgets are tighter than ‘skinny jeggings.’ (Skinny Jean Leggings- Like as if jeans couldn’t get tighter; well they just did!) Of course we pictured big bulging leather or suede couches that cost the price of our one month’s rental; but we had to snap into reality very fast when we realized we didn’t even have a stove/oven or a fridge – and did plan on eating in the very near future.

It must’ve been the hottest day in Cape Town when we came across our new couch-companion. We didn’t have much choice and probably wouldn’t have picked lime green with an option for colour- but which Cash Crusaders offers you the service of choice? ‘Its second hand, but it still works you snob!?’ I think that’s what every Cash Crusader staff had filtering through their minds when two Johannesburg girls walked into the Observatory branch for the very first time in little shorts and sunglasses on our heads.

We found him lying at the back of the store, his twin being sold a few hours before to two other girls. I think we were more curious about who these two other girls were at the time, like as if we know every single girl in Cape Town!? Or why would they want to buy a green couch? Who does that? – Than actually finding out about how much this avocado slash ‘booger’ coloured green piece was going for. We stood back and observed every detail, pulling our noses up at the image we got in our heads with it being the centre piece in our TV-room.

My roommate made it very clear that she had a couch cover at home; trying to convince me that despite the lack of colour scheme, she could cover it up. I think I was just hoping that the two girls that bought it’s twin version were not staff members in the store. They probably liked the colour/look and there we were ranting and raving like designers, couch experts (and couch potatoes?) of how we’ll disguise its appearance in our home. I don’t think this particular Cash Crusaders had ever dealt with two customers for so long either. They could’ve offered us a cup of tea, and two cups later we would’ve still been testing its spring bounce.

It was almost like we were debating over whether we should buy the new 2011 Ferrari Enzo off the show room floor. Except, it wasn’t. It was a second hand green couch, going for cheaper if paid in cash. Probably handed down 14 times, springs not very bouncy and a stain on the left hand side. We bought it. And it’s beautiful.

Two hours later a mini truck pulled up outside our Apartment block with what looked like a huge green fungus on the back. At least if our fridge wasn’t coming anytime soon, we knew it would suddenly blend in with the kitchens colour scheme of food-mould. Or our faces when we have to eat another marmite on toast dinner because we haven’t bought a stove/oven just yet.

Shrek, don’t ever believe any ‘asshole’ (literally) that sits on you and brings you down. You are always there for a hug, when our mothers can’t be. You a great bed for guests, and are mostly guaranteed only the best feedback as an intoxicated sleep is normally the finest. You are something we guaranteed to always want to come home to after a long day of work, unlike most of our spouses. You are our better psychologist, as we are both studying psychology. You don’t talk back. You’re a friend and a good story to tell our kids one day. But most of all, you’re our only proof that we actually have ‘gone green’, and do care about global warming & recycling.

Despite greener pastures ironically meaning something new, fresh or better when you did come from Cash Crusaders; you do however stand for growth. Not only because your back can be pushed back flat and can be made into a double sized sleeper couch, but because we’ve found ourselves lying on you on numerous occasions stuffing our faces and growing as individuals. In maturity of course?

And while this story might come across as ‘cute’ to you, Shrek still remains more knowledgeable about what is actually happening around us. So before you wish to be a fly on our/the wall, think twice.

Oh, and if you own a green couch, I do apologise.

...Only because your couch will never be quite like our Shrek couch!
(Even if you purchase 'the wanna be Shrek Couch.')

THE FAT MAN AND THE SKINNY BITCH

There I am feeling so guilty for missing my spinning class because I would prefer lying spread eagle on the couch watching DSTV with a huge bowl of popcorn. That’s exactly what I am doing right now. A bowl so big it could satisfy a whole starving community on a cold winters night. So big, you would think it was a bargain ‘made in china.’ And then, with my mouth filled to the brim like a 2011 average night club, it struck me. Why are men allowed to do this so often, beers and chips in hand – and feel proud, happy, and content? And there I am, feeling guilty?

I guess there are so many questions we could ask about things we just seem to accept in life. Why do we sit in stands? Why is it that you always want what you can’t have, and then when you get it, you don’t want it anymore? Why do we press so hard on the remote buttons, even though we know it’s the battery life? Why do we never hear 'your father ' jokes or why do we rarely see baby pigeons? Why on a superman outfit do they actually attach a label saying "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." And why, WHY, are men allowed to be fat in society, and woman cant?
I bought a book called ‘Skinny Bitch’ a few weeks back. Show me a woman who hasn't been on a diet and I'll beat her to death with a box of Pick 'n Pay assorted glazed doughnuts. As a woman who's determined of getting into immaculate shape with experience from Weighless to Shakira’s flat tummy diet, there was no way I wasn't going to read a book positioned as 'A no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!' Yes, I read the book that night and then... I became a Vegan. While braai’s and roast chicken dinner parties were getting thrown in my face – I eventually put up both my hands, and my huge bowl of popcorn, and surrendered. Hah, stuff the popcorn, I want that. But I gave up veggie sausages that tasted like Tiger Wheel and Tyre’s and Beef Patty’s that tasted like the smell of mouldy Tupperware containers. 2 weeks was enough. I guess my roommate wasn’t Vegan, so it was a perfect reasoning for dropping Vegan-life, as how were we meant to share meals on our student budget?

I enjoyed my chicken, my bacon & avo pizza’s, and my boerie again. When everyone is eating what you inevitably want, of course you won’t be able to resist it. Its Newtons 4th Law, or should be. Until, my roommate got hold of the book herself and I’m now left with a fridge full of soya milk and plants. Could you imagine a man walking to his fridge only to find lentils, lettuce, soya yoghurt and tomatos? Could you imagine a top seller book called “Skinny Bastard.” Could you imagine a guy standing next to another guy in a public area, only to feel self-conscious and fat, and the need to remove himself from the situation or go straight to gym. How often do we look men up and down like they a piece of meat? (Or rather, a Vegetarian Chicken Schnitzel?) How often do men count calories in their beers, plan detox diets or sit around a pub chatting about what they ate today. It just doesn’t happen.

Why is it that men can have a 'beer-boep' so large, it hangs over the handle and into the trolley at Pick n Pay. Hiding the case of beer, boerie and 6 packets of Lays chips. Him, thinking we can't see it in the size of his boep or in the trolley when he prances around looking like the oft-overlooked Homer Simpson doppelganger. When us woman have to not only deal with it, but then get criticized for still being fat. Baby, have you not looked in the mirror lately, or should we invest in a bigger mirror? Then again, why is it that you men can squeeze our love handles and without saying a word we planning our detox & gym sesh in our heads - But, if we wrapped our hands around your beer-bop, you wouldnt even take note and probably ask us to shift up because you can’t see the Rugby score. Or, shift down because... Well that’s a no brainer. While of course, you’ll sip on your beer while impatiently shoving a huge handful of Lays chips, screaming at the ref on TV.

Why is it that women seem to feel the need to believe that guys actually have complex "feelings because it’s evident that they don’t? Woman, If you see a guy sitting in his chair, looking pensive, it's not because he's thinking about his relationships, appearance or why he's in fault for something he didn’t even do; he's most likely trying to remember a sports fixture.

I guess we can’t include all males just yet, before 40years of age, a lot of the male sex take time in their day to sculpt their “guns” / biceps, to gain power and masculinity in the real world. If you ask me, they just take up space. And then they reach a time in their life where they can let their guns go and lie spread eagle on the couch (with a huge bowl of popcorn?) While, might I add, still holding the expectations of having a wife, three kids down, that could model for a skinny bitch billboard print advert.

Until then, some things will never be answered. I’ll hop off the couch now to cook up some ‘plants’, and while doing so – millions of men around the world are busy kicking up their feet, popping open a beer to rest on their boep, and patiently waiting for a home cooked meal from their skinny bitch wife.

KISS OUR BUTTS you hypocrites.

If only we could say that.